6. I am pissed off. (Sorry, mom)

With the thought that Roger might be depressed, doctors prescribed antidepressants for him, even though we said we didn’t feel he was depressed.  They felt it would help the overwhelming fatigue he had been experiencing.  Meanwhile, we had more and more testing done, with no concrete diagnosis. Doctors continued to throw around Parkinson’s as a possibility.  When reading his medical records, it truly becomes comical. I question if anyone is reading the notes. One doctor will question if it is Parkinson's while the next doctor will state they see no sign of Parkinson's. Is anyone talking to each other? Because we are teachers with three kids in college, the financial impact is taking its toll.  

With the start of antidepressants, a lovely new symptom came into play.  Roger started to have “visual disturbances”.  That is, he began to see things that weren’t really there.  A boulder became an old lady bent over, a shadow became a cowboy leaning on a wall, a sign had an animal on it instead of an arrow.  I don’t call them hallucinations as he knew that he was identifying the incorrect object and they were not moving or talking.  This became incredibly frightening. We changed antidepressants and symptoms continued.  In talking with one of his doctors, he threw his hands up, said he just didn’t know what it was, but he felt it was a psychosis, such as schizophrenia. Now, let me clarify.  I am not against antidepressants and I do not look down on people who suffer from schizophrenia or other illnesses.  I myself have used antidepressants before.  The behaviors Roger was exhibiting and the change in his personality were extremely concerning.  Roger was, and always has been the “steady Eddy”, the most consistent person I knew.  He calms me and keeps me grounded. Doctors then put him on a new medicine, which exacerbated his symptoms even more, then switched to a final fourth medicine that caused our world to be rocked.  Within 3 days of being on this new, final antidepressant, Roger was sleeping 16-18 hours a day, talking jibberish and acting inebriated. I made a racing trip to the pharmacy and asked about the new medicine and was advised to get to a highly regarded medical facility (HRMF) for answers.  Roger and I contacted his physician, stopped the medicine immediately and asked for a referral to the HRMF (highly regarded medical facility).  

And now we waited and I watched my husband, father of my kids, my best friend, fading away both physically and mentally. It's okay mom. I can say "pissed off".