16. I am a unicorn? (Roger speaks.)

A little over 2+ years ago I noticed I was getting lost in conversations and I couldn’t think of words fast enough. When I was subbing at the elementary school and helping students I would get lost in math problems. When Jillian or Jackie would say something to me or point out to me that I was “off” I would have something to say right back. I didn’t like it. I was short with them. It made me feel frustrated and angry. I noticed getting up and down without stiffness was getting harder and harder. I had my hips replaced in my early 40's so I attributed it to this. I had said for a while I felt like an old man or the tin man, needing a quart of oil to get moving. It’s about time, I reasoned for me to get my hips replaced again. When I needed to do something quickly I would run around and get nothing done. For example, the "to-do list" would become my enemy because simple tasks would distract me and I would get nothing done because I’d start one task, turn the light switch off, go start the laundry, jump to the task, jump to something else, forget the task, jump to something else, go to the task, give up and get mad. Jackie would go to work and leave me her famous "to- do list" (not of heavy tasks) and tell me not to worry about the whole list. This was things like “load dishwasher, wipe down counters”. I wouldn’t listen, try to do the whole list, get tired and crash. If anyone does the “dailies” from Clean Healthy Mama, I have grown to dislike them greatly. I mean greatly. When I "crash" I would become disorientated and my family would state I looked intoxicated, even though I had not been drinking. I finally went to the doctor simply because Jackie wouldn’t take no for an answer. She did make me go and I understood what she was doing. She was seeing the things I was feeling. I was however, wanting her off my back. When I first heard the words “MCI, mild cognitive impairment”, I could see that. I was aware of it. It wasn’t a surprise. I could feel that I was struggling, even though they weren’t major struggles. When the neurologist suggested I was depressed I thought well yes, maybe a slight but, no more than anyone else. We had 3 kids in college, we had just moved, it’s god damn winter in the Midwest, I’m finding my new community. But enough to have psychotic medication? Hell no. I didn’t want to add more meds to my already large barrage of daily medication. When I was on depression meds it put me in an intoxicated state. I slept all the time and was unable to be coherent. My suggestion to anyone on meds is to check compatibility especially if you have multiple care providers and pharmacies. Be proactive. Trust your gut.

Some people might question if I was mad at Jackie for pushing me to go to the doctor and hounding me. I didn't want to go. I guess the answer to that question is "yes". As she has said before, we aren't perfect, and our roles have changed in this marriage and this has caused a shift. It is hard. Was I mad? Yes, but I do understand it.

When I heard first words like Parkinson’s and LBD and HSP I immediately googled to see what they all were. I understand that everything you read on the internet is not true, but I went to pretty reliable resources. The outcome of any of those three isn’t good. However I understand I need to "keep on keeping on". I became kind of angry at God. I worked really hard and lost 75 lbs to become healthier and now this. God and I have some issues we are working through.

In the future, I hope I can help someone else going through the same problems get some reassurance and a game plan. I want to travel, work less, retire with Jackie, go to Italy, and live in a warm weather climate. I want to laugh more and hear Jackie laugh more (it's a very loud laugh). I want to see my kids be happy and lead successful lives.

My advice to people would be to organize your affairs, put away the "to-do list", live life with no regrets, and as my former players already know, "keep moving whether you pass, cut, or screen away just keep moving".